I’m being stubborn. I don’t really want a therapist right now. So I got a brilliant idea to google shit instead.
For instance, I recently googled “How to tell someone they are an asshole and not kill the relationship.” Obviously a therapist would have some great advice and would probably dig deeper into what’s going on. That’s probably exactly what I am avoiding but I don’t care. Google had some awesome links without digging. One blog listed out the steps.
1- Talk about the positive.
2- Take responsibility for my part.
3- Use “I feel” statements. Such as “I feel frustrated when you….”
Ugh. What I really want to say is “Why do you have to be such an asshole and why can’t you just listen to me?” But I read these posts and breathe and wait. And then hit the PURCHASE button and buy the book “The No Asshole Rule.” Actually, I bought two copies thinking that I would share it with someone. Hmmm.
A few days later I googled “How to get rid of anger.” That seemed like progress to me. I had moved past the pissed off stage and was looking for some coping strategies. Google -1 Therapist-0. Of course there were tons of posts about releasing anger and blah, blah, blah. But after a quick overview of several posts, I realized that a lot of them were saying the same thing. Exercise, Meditation, Help someone else. Damn. Those things again. Those healthy, responsible behaviors that are the simple solution to most everything but that I resist on a regular REGULAR basis.
Yup. I have some shit going on. My lighthearted, warm, fun and fuzzy side has a counterpart that IS pissed off. It’s the part that gets angry when I get real and look at my life and know that cancer has been part of it, not once but twice now. It’s the part that doesn’t have time to deal with assholes when there are so many more important things to deal with in this world. It’s probably not about one particular person. It’s the part that really wants to do something that matters in the world before my time is up. It’s the part that prays and prays and prays for direction and then is pissed off that I have to wait and wait and wait for something that feels right.
And then it comes. Something feels right. This summer I dedicated myself to trying to get back in shape. It’s a real stinking effort and I consistently have to set goals and commitments for myself so that there is something I am working towards. While ramping this part of my life up again, I joined a new gym. It’s called Challenge by Choice and run by an absolute badass, Jodi Mehan. I don’t like it. Really I don’t. I showed up last week and she asked how I was and I said “Angry.” How’s that for rigorous honesty? And then I lifted these little dinky dumb bells so many times that my arms were on fire. And I sweat so much that it felt like I had been dunked in a lake. And my legs were so stressed that it was hard to walk to my car. And I was a little less angry.
October is pissed off month for me. For those of you that don’t know it, the pink ribbons bug the shit out of me. It hasn’t always been this way but after going through breast cancer, my relationship changed with the corporate organizations that solicit funds for this cause. I don’t want a pink ribbon t-shirt or a pink ribbon magnet or a pink ribbon hat. I don’t want organizations to spend funds on material chachkis. I don’t want to be part of that type of business entity.
OK Bethany – get to the point. What do you want?
I don’t want to be angry any more so I go to this stupid gym. And now they are having this stupid Grind for Cancer event. I’m pissed off about it but the more I hear about it, the more it infiltrates my soul. And I am reminded about the blog post How to Get Rid of Anger – exercise, meditate and help others. I need to get out of myself. I need to stop being such a King Baby and do something meaningful. I need to do something for someone else. (Don’t let this all fool you. It sounds philanthropic and good hearted but really it is self serving. I just don’t want to be angry any more.)
This event is scheduled for Saturday, October 22 at 7:00am. It’s a HIIT workout which means High Intesity Interval Training a.k.a. Kick Your Ass. I have committed to doing this event. Now I want to raise money for the cause and am asking people for donations that will all be sent to a local breast cancer support group. This feeds my core belief that if I donate money, I want it to go to a person in need, not inflated administrative costs. I want it to go to someone who can’t clean their house for themselves or go grocery shopping on their own. I want the money to help someone that is having difficulty making their co-pays. I want it to help pay for someone’s gas or meals to be delivered or to send a random care package to a stranger the day after a chemo treatment. I want all these things because I know that those are the things that mattered to me most. Those are the things that brought me to tears while I laid in the fetal position praying for help. These are the things that opened my heart to accept the love and kindness of strangers. These are the things that changed my life. And for those things I am always ALWAYS grateful.
So, if in some small way I can make a commitment to go to another stupid, really hard workout and at the same time ask people to support me in this cause, I will feel as though I am paying forward the unconditional love that has been shown to me in the past. BETTER YET – if you wan
t to COME AND WORK OUT WITH ME THAT would be FANTASTIC. The event is Saturday, October 22. We could sweat, sweat, sweat and not be angry and actually I might even laugh my ass off afterwards. It’s that giddy, lack of oxygen state that is a really great high. You really should come and try it with me. We could probably
find a place to have breakfast afterwards too.
Long story short… I’m asking for money.
CLICK HERE to find the DONATE button. All funds will go to Get Your Rack Back and will support women and their families from the local community. You are going to help others AND ME. You are going to motivate me to be better – physically and emotionally. And believe me, I need all the help I can get. Smile. Smile. Wink. Wink.
Thanks for being my favorite therapist today.